My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
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me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.