“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
You Might Also Like
i prefer mine room temperature.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack