Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
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“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas