I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
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The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.