You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
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Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
starting a garage orchestra
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.