Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
You Might Also Like
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%