That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
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If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog