#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
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Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person