Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
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when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or