I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
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I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity