Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
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Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
#Caturday
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”