I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
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ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator