My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
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You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Writing, She Murdered.
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom