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You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
#Caturday
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.