“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
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every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
I only treason on days ending in y
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Oh yeah that’s it
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work