An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
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The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
new wife guy just dropped
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops