You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
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The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
I have no passwords left in me
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know