Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
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I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Is your wife single?
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me: