Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
You Might Also Like
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Go girl power!
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
The dark side of Canada
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.