My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
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Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Before crowbars crows drank alone
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.