Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
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[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Did…did a minotaur write this
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*