What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
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[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
pep talk
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.