Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
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tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”