her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
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spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u