My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
You Might Also Like
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
LOOOOOOL
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
i don鈥檛 feel like cooking, but i鈥檓 too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Mom in the 90鈥檚: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i鈥檒l take care of this
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I鈥檓 playing Jenga
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that鈥檚 the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 馃槑
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
No more excuses…
….next year I鈥檓 getting that exorcism.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I鈥檓 from the government and my name is Dracula
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad