To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
You Might Also Like
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Does your wife know you’re single?
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Nice try Hitler
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
fair
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job