[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
You Might Also Like
Only Americans understand
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.