ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
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And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow