mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
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I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I think this cat is broken
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
fourth time’s the charm
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.