I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
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“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb