[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
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In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
and now we wait
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
I think the cat got the dog high.