Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
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*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner