When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
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Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
this FaceApp is creepy af
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Best seat on the street 😍
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.