If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
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I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
So sick of all these stupid rules
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence