I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
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Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.