Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
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*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “