I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
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You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Most fashion shows these days…
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Can’t stop laughing
the dark web is just a goth google.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
That eye roll….
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult