Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
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[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
I get distracted pretty eas
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.