The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
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my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.