I’m half potato on my dad’s side
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Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”