Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
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My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around