instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
You Might Also Like
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert