Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
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Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’