Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
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GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
me 2 months after i graduated
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.