I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
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[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
i really liked this one
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Good boy 😂😂
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?