My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
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In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Here’s a meme
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
it be like that
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh