My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
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When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.