if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
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ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
new year update: losing everything but weight
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Just why bro?!
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.