To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
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Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
The real reason evolution started..😂
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser