Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
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Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first